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Elves, Gnomes, and All That

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Nenicirene's picture

Fellow gnomish philosopher Geeker wisely observed:

The Problem With Night Elves

You know, we have a serious problem on our hands! A disaster! Night Elves!

There are many facts that show us that Night Elves are just wrong. Not just wrong, terribly wrong! Unimaginably wrong! I sputter at the mere thought! (Although being a Gnome is takes more then mere thought to be a sufficient way to think!)

Why Night Elves are Wrong:

1. So many Night Elves.

Night Elves, well, most of the Druids anyway, most of the male Druids, anyway, hibernated, right? For like 10 billion years? Right? And tons of them died in a war like 10 billion gazillion years ago. But, it's been approx 5 years since the Druids have awaken, but apparently Night Elves hold the highest population! But, there's more. If the population has increased so, why does there seem to be so many Night Elf Female on Night Elf Female situations that are encountered out in the wild!? It's paradox!

2. So many Night Elves NOT in Darnassus.

Night Elves are stuck up, and super protective of their own lands, right? Some can't even stand other races, they're inferior, right? So why are there so many Night Elves in Ironforge and Stormwind? Why so many of all places in Elwynn Forest, the spawn of inferior creatures? Paradox!

3. There is not one surviving Night Elf ship.

Every Night Elf ship is at the bottom of the Davy Jone's Bankbox. Even between Auberdine to Darnassus, it's not a Night Elf ship. Whether it's Murloc, plesiosaur, or sea weed, the Night Elf frigate sinks. BUT - Their new home is in the middle of the ocean. That's so insane I'm flabbergasted!

4. Night Elf females.

Night Elf females run like little girls. Night Elf females clap like little girls. Night Elf females sit on their knees like little girls, listening intently all bright eyed and trusting and such. Night Elf girls spin in the air when they die like a little girl taking a two handed mace to the head. Night Elf males walk like penthouse owners. YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK AND SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES HOW CAN YOU THINK SUCH THINGS YOU DIRTY DIRTY BAD PEOPLE THATS GOT TO BE THE MOST HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING AND SO TWISTED AND WRONG AND AARRRRRGGG!!!!!!

*achem*

Excuse me.

5. Night Elves are confused.

Night Elves are not werewolves. Night Elves are not vampires. Night Elves are not undead. Night Elves are not demons. They're a people of nature conscious guardians, whom are weaker at day then are at night. The moon is their guide, not the sun. Yet they all tell me to "Step out and feel the sun, virgin."

6. Night Elf and their relations to animals.

There was a hunter, who's pet was a Night Saber. A Druid was nearby, in feline form. The Druid was flirting with the Night Saber. YOU PEOPLE NEED TO BE LOCKED UP YOU SICK SICK BAD TWISTED EVIL SO WRONG SO WRONG I CANT EVEN IMAGINE HOW YOU BEGIN TO THINK ARRRRRGGGG!!!!!!

*Holds breath and counts to ten*

Night Elves are just wrong. If you know any more reason why, please tell me so I can attempt to solve the Night Elf malady, there are still many things to calculate.

And then some blockhead human named Helfdayne had to try and look cute:

The Problem With Gnomes.

(By the way, I'm doing this all in jest.)

1. Throngs of Gnomes..

Have you ever noticed its rare to see a single Gnome? I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But more often than not, they come in masses. There's something oddly disturbing about a pack of three foot tall things rushing towards you.

2. The hand motions..

I mean, come on! How many times have you heard a Gnome say only a single word, and yet their hands continue to wave and gesture for seconds afterwards? How many different gestures really go along with "Greetings."? What's even more odd is when they say a lengthy sentence and punctuate with only one gesture. It leaves you hanging, response stuck in your throat because you were expecting a minute's worth of gestures, at the least.

3. The hair..

On male Gnomes more so than females. Its a sad day when I finally start to think I've found someone with worse hair than the Undead and Trolls. And that little double curly-que in the front.. *shudders*

4. Their obsession with things that explode..

Its just not healthy. I can respect a penchant for inventing things. That's admirable. But explosives should not be played with. Having your party blown up by one of its own is an ignoble way to die.

5. Their plan to free their homeland..

So who was it exactly that thought irradiating Gnomeregan would be a good idea? 'Nuff said.

In conclusion, I believe that all Gnomes should have a keeper, sort of like a big brother/sister. You know, someone to teach them how to correctly comb their hair, wean them off their pack tendencies and make sure they don't blow anything up.

*This has been a public service message brought you, by me.*

Well, I have a retort or two for him!

1. Clearly, this is racism. I find myself alone quite often, but you taller races must just be ignoring lone gnomes. Perhaps your vision is too poor to make us out all the way down at ground level unless we start massing.

2. Gnomes are so smart that we have so much to say that it can't be conveyed fast enough by mere speech. We need hand gestures to carry additional information only of interest to us gnomes (because you're not smart enough to understand it). The Bene Gesserit totally stole their hand signals from us.

3. You're just jealous that your species can't grow green or pink hair.

4. We don't make things that explode. That's goblins you're thinking of. We make things that don't explode. Things that explode are a mere side-product, but one we learn to make the best of.

5. Don't get me started on Gnomeregan. The lunatics behind that are all (un)dead. Let the place stay the tomb it is. Or blast it off the underface of Azeroth. I don't care.