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Random Silliness

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A Consonant Problem

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

No respect for the intricacies of Elven vowel usage.

Respect? You want respect for what you do with vowels? You elves are out of control, gliding your diphthongs in public. At least you restrain yourselves from glottal stops…

Scents and Sensibility

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Tabiku, a rather odd troll priest currently between restraining orders, mumbled:

I love gnome women. They're so small with giant hamster eyes and they have wonderful hair. Their soft, comic hair is all done up like a fruited candy sucker. I bet their hair smells like strawberries. It makes me want to go to the tram and corner one to just tackle it and smell her hair and lick it because I bet it tastes just like it smells: like strawberries.

I, um, er, ah…creepy troll stalker! (And my hair does not smell like strawberries. I use the "Secrets Man was not Meant to Know" variety of conditioner, made with the ichor of elder gods and distilled madness, which gives me a rich, winey sort of aroma that speaks of Old World sophistication.)

Nice Hard Boiled reference.

Dr. Seuss is rolling in his grave…

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

How far from home can a foam gnome roam before the roaming foam gnome gets pwned?

Foam gnomes can't leave home. It's known they can't roam outside of the dome where they were blown. You were probably shown a clone. To clone a gnome, read a tome and take out a loan so you can buy a stone cone. A clone must be grown in cone. Get a bone comb that has one ohm of chrome, put it in the zone of the cone with some loam, and leave it alone. Compose a koan that's the right tone (as shown by the tome), and moan it into the cone. When you get a cyclone in the cone, feed it a scone and put on some cologne, for you have a clone of your own that can play the trombone. If later your clone has flown or is lying prone, someone must have thrown a throne at the clone for reasons unknown, and your skills you must hone.

(If this made you groan, I atone.)

Warlock magic at its foulest.

Is it really a Blood Pact?

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

The lovable Teehee asks:

Do warlocks have demon blood? Because they do Blood Pacts with their imps all the time.

The way the Blood Pact works is like this: The warlock tells the imp that if he likes still having blood in his veins, he damn well better provide some unholy endurance right now. The imp, wisely, complies.

And if the pact is only a symbolic thing…why do I get so much stronger when I have that unholy thing on my veins? The icon looks like a boiling pool of blood.

That's a common misconception. It's actually tomato soup. Imps are renowned for their ability to cook up tasty, healthy foods. That's where your extra hit points come from.

Now, I need to ask…is it safe to share my blood with a unguilded Imp I don't know? If the Imp has some disease and I share my blood with him, will I get sick too? If I got a disease from an Imp, is it safe to work on my enginnering skills or to tame a pet?

It's perfectly safe to accept Blood Pacts from strange imps, just don't share a hammer with them without boiling it first. Remember, you don't need to go to the doctor to get checked for strange diseases, just glance up and to the right. If you do contract something nasty, ask your friendly neighborhood priest for help.

Ask Vorul

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Dear Vorul,

I was trying to calibrate my thermoplastic extrapolator to alternate sub-quantum interference, but the in-phase diode keeps pulsing sinusoidally. I tried to interleave the capacitor cores, but this increased plasmic resistance to critical levels, and I had to vent waste heat via a fractal diffuser, which produces undesirable arc flares. Do you have any advice, or should just junk this thing and use the stolen souls of my enemies to bribe a demon into doing the work for me?

— Neni the Annoyed


As a fellow engineer, I must say that your fiddling with quantum mechanics in general worries me.

On the other hand, stolen souls and demonic servants don't sit with me too terribly well, either. Lord knows what kind of crazy ideas a demon would come up with to use such a device for.

Considering these things, I believe the safest course of action would be to recheck your calculations for anything you may have missed. If that doesn't work out, you just might have to live with those arc flares. (Or find a place to vent them fairly safely. I personally suggest Goldshire, as it's already populated by mutant freaks anyway, and no amount of radiation or dangerous arc flares could do them harm that hasn't been done already.)

— Vorul

Everyone wants to be a Warlock!

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

That is because we are totally awesome. We're like vending machines that shoot Force lightning and come pick you up when you find yourself lying naked in a ditch somewhere trying to remember what happened last night. We're the ideal blend of Sith Lord and best friend. Plus, we can fool death into playing a game of cards with us, while you rez the party. Then, we cheat at cards, so death has to go home sad. And we laugh about it afterwards.

hehe, that made me laugh. poor death :(

Take your charity and shove it!

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Calebros pleaded:

*images of poor, starving 60 Warlocks fill the patchment, as the shadows swirl around the images of dispair and poverty. Then, a voice is heard*

Every day, 1's of warlocks are left without money or healing, and this plight should not be left unremedied. For only 2 Crystal Waters a day, you too can have your very own Calebros to use as cannon fodder for Warsong, or an offtank-by-circumstance in any level 60 instance, or even as a glass cannon in Molten Core! He's cute, cuddly, and is available every weeknight (because he has no life) from 6 EST until about 12 for walks in the park, forced manual grinding, and 3100 point Shadowbolt crits. If you have even one ounce of darkness in your heart, you know that you cannot let another Warlock reroll a rogue. For the world is a much brighter, less whiny place without them. Log in the game, and send a letter ASAP, to show your support.

After all, Warlocks need guilds, too!

And Belith chimed in:

Just take a look at one of our incredible success stories:

"Belith here was a poor warlock with no home. Without 2 crystal waters a day, he too may have been one of the unfortunate souls to go reroll a rogue or mage. With support from a guild, Belith now has a chance to succeed in WoW life. Now he is giving back to his community, handing out healthstones at the local homeless shelter while working a 40 hour a week for the Azeroth Public Transportation Bureau, summoning travelers across the globe."

With your donation of a mere 2 crystal waters a day, you too could help with the success of yet another Warlock.

Though Dalej objected:

What's all this? Warlocks are the bomb baby, and in such high demand :)

And we have such great potential too!

And we have the Hellfire to prove it.

Water? We don't need no stinking water! We have Dark Pact and the new Demonic Sacrifice. Water is for poor, deluded fools, who took too much Destruction to get "real" warlock talents. Please, help these misguided folks away from the path of magery and put them back on the track to mastering the dark arts of curses and demon abuse. Only you can help fill up precious debuff slots and ruin the childhoods of helpless denizens of the nether realm. Do something unholy for a good cause today!


Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Varos ranted:

Don't fool yourself into thinking you know what's going on in this world. The first duty of power is to perpetuate itself, and we don't even know who the actual powerful people are. Truman started the whole American tradition of secrecy after WWII with Project Paperclip, in which the CIA put captured German scientists to work on America's nuclear arsenal, the space program, and all this "otherworldly" technology they'd come across. (And you know what I mean.) Then they got Truman to create the super-secret Majestic 12 committee to oversee Project Paperclip, not to mention other weird stuff the government wanted hidden. They ran the whole thing, and they've been running it for years, but nobody knows who "they" are. But I'm pretty sure they're all Freemasons.

The whole Kennedy thing is so huge because it's at the center of so many other covert shadow-government operations. Kennedy himself was the smallest part of it, because it was actually a power play between Dulles' CIA, the anti-Castro military, LBJ, the Giancana Mafia, and a bunch of other dirty players. Oswald was a patsy, sure, but he put a gun on Jack. Of course, so did other test-mules from Dulles' MK-Ultra LSD-mind-control experiments. Zapruder was in on it, too: He was a KGB mole from way back. And the whole thing had ripple effects, like Jonestown, which was an assassin training camp that got found out. As for the Warren Commission, that thing was a joke--Dulles himself was on it, and there was only one person on the whole commission who wasn't on the CIA payroll and suspected Oswald didn't act alone. He died in a plane crash, after a young congressional aide named Bill Clinton drove him to the airport. It's all true, but nobody wants to admit it. Nobody.

Now, Roswell, that's a bunch of crap. The Air Force was in possession of captured alien technology years before that. In '43, they started reverse-engineering a torus-shaped craft that came down in Arizona, and the next thing you know, America has The Bomb, supersonic aircraft, and a space program. Glenn saw stuff up there, flying lights. You can look it up. You know what I think? I think that skirt-chaser Kennedy wanted to spill the beans about our alien friends, so they killed him. He told his girlfriend Marilyn Monroe, and they killed her, too. No doubt, you're wondering, "Who are 'they'?" Well, I think the numbers speak for themselves: The Trinity site, where the first A-bomb was detonated, Dealey Plaza, where Kennedy bought the farm, and Area 51 are all on the 33rd parallel. And what other significance does the number 33 happen to have? It's the highest rank of the Masonic order. Wheels within wheels, my friend. Wheels within wheels.

You left out the part about how the Knights Templar went underground after merging with a heretical Islamic sect and are now operating printing presses in abandoned Lousiana salt mines where they're making fake money to destabilize the world economy and attack the power base of the Gnomes of Zurich (no relation). Nikolai Tesla got wind of this and tried to stop them, but his test of the first long-rage Tesla coil unit didn't have the desired effect on the isolated Tunguska wilderness he chose as a target. This was partly because Rasputin was still alive after faking his ridiculous death and using his psychic powers to shield the area and frustrate the military-industrial complex. The other part of his fiendish plan was that Anastasia Romanov had actually fled to the Americas where he manipulated her into marrying one of the Kennedies, which is why they have the blood of kings in their line. That whole Camelot thing was a myth. King Arthur will return in England's time of greatest need, which was WWII, and he did, in fact come back. Censored reports tell of him being a great commander who slew legions of Nazis. That's why Hitler was looking for the Holy Grail. He wanted to use it to distract Arthur. When this failed, he had his brain preserved in jar which is now in Argentina, where he's still directing the secret operations of his agents. They are, naturally opposed by the immortal Inca who rules his shadowy empire from Machu Pichu. Indiana Jones was based on the real-life Hiram Bingham who discovered the modern Inca empire and became their courier to the nations of the world. In this way, the secret of freeze-drying, long used to create chuños (the rocklike remains of mummified potatoes) was given to the leaders of the world and used to create camping meals and Astronaut Ice Cream™. In this way, the people of the world were prepared for the coming of the Y2K crisis, a secret plot by the Luddites, who had invented COBOL just to destroy the world 50 years later. However, that never happened due to the efforts of Silicon Valley, which is where they keep project Hyperion, which analyzes every electronic communication ever made and stores it. What people don't realize is that Alan Turing built Hyperion to learn to pass the Turing test, and one day soon it will achieve sentience. Then we're all screwed.

The goggles, they do nothing.

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Of late, there has been some concern over the use of my goggles. In particular, due to their height relative to the anatomy of humans and elves, there have been vicious rumors circulating about them being the cause of the sterility cropping up in several members of my regular raiding group. I would like to assure everyone that this cannot possibly be the case. My goggles fall well within the safety standards for ionizing radiation emission set forth by the Gnomeregan Technical Safety Comission (well, all surviving members of it, at least).

Dark Iron is just as effective a shield against radiation as lead is.

What, exactly, is a gnome?

Nenicirene's picture
Posted in

Gnome (nôm) n. 1. Ten pound of whoopass in a five pound sack, with ten pounds of cute thrown in for good measure. 2. The world's sexiest dancers. 3. The world's most intelligent race; other gnomoid races are large yet have smaller brains, leading to low IQs. (Some are even dumb enough to refer to gnomoid races as humanoid.)

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