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Straight from Zeld to You

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Nenicirene's picture

It's time for another edition of Neni Copies Other People's Forum Posts™. The brilliant philosopher Zeld posted the following insight:

Zeld's Theory of Idiotic Monikers states: "The more stupid a name in a MMORPG, the larger the probability that the person behind said stupid name is an asshat".

Take for example the latest two ninjalooters that have been posted on this forum. Lightcircle and Soulreaver. Both fairly stupid names. Neither really inventive. Both, proportedly, asshats.

Another example: Yesterday, I'm wandering around the Barrens trying to find tin and copper for my mining skill, when I see a young druid named "Poopie" on Local Defense chat constantly. Annoying? Yes, not so much because of his name, but because he was an idiot. My predication is that someday we'll see a thread here with a title: "POOPIE IS A NINJA L00TER!!!". It's practically inevitable.

The easiest way to fix is is NOT to report these names. Don't do that. Then they'll get changed into something that makes it more difficult to pick them out in a crowd. If Lightcircle suddenly becomes Quindon, we're in trouble. If he stays Lightcircle, we'll know by the Theory to avoid his stupid ass.

And followed it up with this corollary:

Zeld's Theory of Sucky Guildnames states: "Whoever starts or joins a guild that either A) utilizes no capitalization in the name B) misspells a word in the name C) utilizes only capital letters in the name or D) has a joke type name that isn't funny, has a higher probability of being an asshat than those who have properly capitalized and spelled guildnames".

This theory will help provide a person with the ability to spot potential asshats from a good distance away. While many guild names are formulatic and/or boring, there are those out there that strive to be different, either by ignorance or pure stupidity.

A) No capitalization in the name. Zero. Nada. err... zero. nada. It can be a indication of asshattery. For example: death guards of kalimdor. Anyone on the Horde side who's run into them can affirm that mostly they are beggar asshats.

B) Many people hastily throw together a guild name, only to find it's already taken. In lieu of picking another guild name, often they'll misspell a word. Usually, in my experience, that's a bad sign. There's a certain lack of creativity for people that would name their guild "The Asshatt Crew" because "The Asshat Crew" was already taken. Also, there's people who misspell words by accident, and that's not nearly as bad as the deliberate misspelling. Folks, it's "Harbinger", not "Harbringer".

C) THE ALL CAPITAL CREW. Usually, l33t, often stupid, someone decides that the best way to advertise their $!@%ty guild is to have EVERYTHING IN CAPS. AS YOU ALL KNOW, IF YOU WRITE SOMETHING IN CAPS PEOPLE HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO IT NO MATTER HOW INANE OR OUTRIGHT STUPID SOMETHING IS. These are the kind of people that strive for attention in real life but haven't yet realized that the only way to elicit internet attention is to be a forum troll. When a CAPITALIZER does come over to the trolling board side of things, they can be easily identified by their inability to NOT USE CAPS.

D) Joke names that aren't funny. We've all seen them. They make <Me So Hordey> seem like the height of comedic genius. This isn't a slam on funny or iroic names, like <Flowers of Happiness> from EQ (a PVP guild that used the same initals as a premier PVE raiding guild that took itself far too seriously)or, a personal favorite of mine <You Go First>, just the stupid ones we've all seen from time to time.

As with all theories of mine, there are exceptions to the rules. However, by and large, if you combine the Theory of Sucky Guildnames with the Theory of Stupid Monikers, you'll be alright. Often, in fact, you'll find people with truly stupid names belong to guilds with sucky guildnames. That's not always the case, however.

Again, as with the Stupid Moniker Theory, please do not /report these guildnames, however much they offend your sensibilities. These huge neon signs on people's heads are priceless and must be kept so we can easily separate the asshats from the chaff. Or something.

Nenicirene's picture

Well, my generally feeling is that, as my grandfather used to put it (translated from Spanish), "He who from afar looks like an idiot, up close is." That is, warning signs of being a jackass, such as a dumb, overly-pretentious name, are almost sure-fire signals of actually being a jackass.