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Zulneni: Internet Troll

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Introducing Zulneni

Nenicirene's picture

Any form of internet communication that allows the viewer to edit the content, such as leaving comments, invariably attracts trolls. It has come to my attention that my site is lacking trolls so far, so I have hired an in-house one. Here's her resumé:

Name: Zulneni
Species: Darkspear Troll
Occupation: Shaman

Zulneni's Head

Qualifications:

  • Have bonked many things on da head.
  • Have zapped almost as many things.
  • Can summon da spirits of nature in convenient glowing-stick form.
  • Good at not dying, and makin' you not die either.
  • Able to make my own clothes outta durable animal leather.
  • Can type 50 words per minute.

Education:

  • Learned to commune with da spirits of nature and safely take hallucinogens from Witch Doctor Zamboni, Ph.D.
  • Certified Masta o' Head Conkin', Shadow Hunter Zin'jool's Academy o' Slayin'.

I look forward to having her on board and providing my audience with a unique persective.

These pants are not made for washin'

Zulneni's picture

Hello dere! Bein' a member o' da Horde is jus' too cool. You can meet famous celebrities while doin' your everyday business. And they're so accessible too! Check it out:

Rokay signing my pants

I'm a keepin' these pants!

Cookin' Healthy & Tasty

Zulneni's picture

Yazz lub all drarven types, dey taste guud wit lima beans and a nice Merlot. So Yazz be glad you be back.

*makes Hanibil lip smack*

What? Dat not be a balanced diet! Me, I be sautéin' da meat wit' some onions and maybe a carrot or two, den servin' it wit' some wild rice or cracked wheat. Not dat dwarf be dat good for sautéin'; dey's kinda tough. Dwarf be more of a stewin' meat. I gots me ol' family recipe for slow-simmered dwarf wit' sliced beets and cracked chilis, den a nice yogur' sauce when it be done. Takes some plannin' to have ready on time, though.

(Troll vs. Troll) vs. Elf

Zulneni's picture

I be findin' it curious how Rin'ji, a Witherbark troll, be marked as Darkspear Troll Faction. Den again, I be willing to help him escape, even though I just finished flaying the skulls of twenty of his kinfolk to send them a message. Us trolls do get a little violent wit' da ethnic conflicts, but when elves is involved, den it's time to show some solidarity.

Nenicirene's picture

It's like how The Good and The Ugly keep trying to kill each other, but when they meet up with The Bad, they both shoot him.

Waya-aa-ah. Ah-ah-ah. Waya-aa-ah. Ooh-eh-eh-ooh.

Mojo, Juju, & Other Importan' Tings

Zulneni's picture

Myrdoch be sayin':

That's right! It's all about the ears. Big ole hunks of meat are just hatin' on the fact that the womens love the ears.

Where do you think all that mojo comes from?

Da ears? And here I thought da tusks were da source o' mojo. It be why trolls be sexy and elves be impotent. I mean, really—thousands o' years wi'out any juju? No wonder dey be all cranky…

Is gotta be da ears...ole Myrdoch got some tiny lil' tusks, but more Mojo den most ya can handle. Maybe da ears be for mojo and da tusks have da juju...an long as more mojo be makin' up fer less juju, den is all good.

You men! Always obsessin' over da size o' da tusks. Dere be so much more! Is dey shapely? Nicely colored? Smooth o' rough? At the right angle? Is you gonna be pokin' ma eyes out wi' em? Do you know how to use ya tusks right? No tusks means no mojo, but big tusks don' always mean big mojo.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm odd, because every time a troll 'mojo' (you know what I'm sayin'?) conversation comes up, I get to thinking about the tusks issue. I've never seen trolls kiss -- but I imagine the tusks must get in the way. And I *know* there can't be any...um...mandibular ...action...down, um, there, you know, because dang, those things are pointy and if I see pointy things going anywhere near my, um, down there area, I'm not feeling like it's going to be enjoyable. How does it work? Do girl trolls miss out in this area? If so, how sad. Perhaps being a dwarf gives me an advantage in this area, or at least makes it easier on the knees.

What's it like being a troll?

Zulneni's picture

We trolls is a proud people. Once, we had a worl'-spannin' empire. We was the highest of da races. Den, we fell to wretched infightin' (though much deserved, cause dem Witherbarks, Splitfangs, Bloodscalps, Sandfuries, and Vilebranches is all a bunch o' bastards I'd rightly skin and make into t'row-rugs (an' I have, too), but dem Revantusks is alright, though not as awesome as us Darkspears).

In any case, i's a sad fact o' reality dat we be relegated to livin' in a stinkin' little mud village, forced to fight with muck-mucks for scraps o' moldy crab meat. But we be breedin' a new generation o' heroes. We gonna go out in'o da world and reconquer it in da name o da Darkspear. Da orcs and da tauren be our allies, for though dey be unlucky enough to not be born trolls, dey still think rightly an' honorably. Ya brotha's ya brotha, but ya friends are more importan' dan ya cousins, specially if ya hates ya cousins so much ya tries to gouge each other's eyes out to make Winterfair ornaments.

Oh, yah, da Forsaken. Dey too is our "allies". An' if you believe dat, I got dis Binds-On-Pickup bridge I wanna sell ya. Dey find it convenient to be wi' us, cause no one else be willin' to be wi' 'em. It ain' deir fault dey's dead, and many o' 'em be right fine folk, but deir leadas, dey be crazy. Dem Royal Apothecary society is da worse. Dey be wantin' to poison everythin'!

As to dem Alliance, dey not be so bad as everyone be makin' 'em out to be all de time. Gnomes, dey lost deir home, so I got some sympathy for da little buggas. Plus dey's cute. Dwarves? Dey can have all da caves dey want. I like da open sky, da crashin' sea, and the light o' da sun. Humans, now I almost respect deir crazy genocidal ways. Dey's almost as good at it as us trolls, but dey's so damn ugly. Too big to be cute, to small to be anythin' but pathetic, and no tusks. Very sad. Can't see how dey even manage to make babies. Both must have to close deir eyes and fantasize about trolls.

And den dere's da elves. Dey be da worst sort o' traitors. Trolls dat are no longa trolls. Betrayers of all dat is good and wholesome for some cheap magical rush. Well hah! We got da last laugh! Bet ya feel stupid now dat ya got no tusks!

Well, anyway, dis be gettin' rambly. I bes' be concludin', so remember dat to a troll, dere be no fina thing in life dan a day o' hard work followed by a good tuskin' while da flayed skulls o' ya enemies have to watch on. Nobody does juju like we do!

(To sum, I see trolls as a fairly racist/supremacist culture that relishes violence and seeks to reclaim its past glory through conquest. Simultaneously, they are a very closely knit society with strong family and social ties, and which values enjoying life to the fullest while being in tune with the spirit world. They also seem fairly sexual, emotional, and otherwise not ones to mask their instincts. In other words, they're sort of like humans taken to certain extremes, unencumbered by the (often false) civility of complex society while combining certain aspects of the Noble Savage stereotype with that of the Warlike Savage while being couched in terms of the Fallen People.)

Is trolls evil?

Zulneni's picture

I really only consider the Forsaken to be "evil," and maybe trolls as sort of "nasty" (not quite evil, but… well, you know).

Dis is merely da product of us bein' a superior race and tryin' to assert our rightful position as masters of the world. Da last time we trolls was in charge, da only t'ing dat managed to topple us was otha trolls.

(Incidentally, alla your languages are barbarous an' unfit for propa pronunciation by a troll mouth.)

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