Hi there! The name's Nenicirene, and I'm a fictional character in the World of Warcraft on the Argent Dawn server. I talk a lot, and since, like most warlocks, I'm an egomaniac, I operate under the delusion that the public at large is interested in my mad babbling. To that extent, I have collected it here in the form of several essays-by-accretion. Enjoy!

New entries are listed below by date, while the complete contents are organized by topic in the sidebar.

Straight from Zeld to You

It's time for another edition of Neni Copies Other People's Forum Posts™. The brilliant philosopher Zeld posted the following insight:

Zeld's Theory of Idiotic Monikers states: "The more stupid a name in a MMORPG, the larger the probability that the person behind said stupid name is an asshat".

Take for example the latest two ninjalooters that have been posted on this forum. Lightcircle and Soulreaver. Both fairly stupid names. Neither really inventive. Both, proportedly, asshats.

Another example: Yesterday, I'm wandering around the Barrens trying to find tin and copper for my mining skill, when I see a young druid named "Poopie" on Local Defense chat constantly. Annoying? Yes, not so much because of his name, but because he was an idiot. My predication is that someday we'll see a thread here with a title: "POOPIE IS A NINJA L00TER!!!". It's practically inevitable.

The easiest way to fix is is NOT to report these names. Don't do that. Then they'll get changed into something that makes it more difficult to pick them out in a crowd. If Lightcircle suddenly becomes Quindon, we're in trouble. If he stays Lightcircle, we'll know by the Theory to avoid his stupid ass.

And followed it up with this corollary:

Zeld's Theory of Sucky Guildnames states: "Whoever starts or joins a guild that either A) utilizes no capitalization in the name B) misspells a word in the name C) utilizes only capital letters in the name or D) has a joke type name that isn't funny, has a higher probability of being an asshat than those who have properly capitalized and spelled guildnames".

This theory will help provide a person with the ability to spot potential asshats from a good distance away. While many guild names are formulatic and/or boring, there are those out there that strive to be different, either by ignorance or pure stupidity.

A) No capitalization in the name. Zero. Nada. err... zero. nada. It can be a indication of asshattery. For example: death guards of kalimdor. Anyone on the Horde side who's run into them can affirm that mostly they are beggar asshats.

B) Many people hastily throw together a guild name, only to find it's already taken. In lieu of picking another guild name, often they'll misspell a word. Usually, in my experience, that's a bad sign. There's a certain lack of creativity for people that would name their guild "The Asshatt Crew" because "The Asshat Crew" was already taken. Also, there's people who misspell words by accident, and that's not nearly as bad as the deliberate misspelling. Folks, it's "Harbinger", not "Harbringer".

C) THE ALL CAPITAL CREW. Usually, l33t, often stupid, someone decides that the best way to advertise their $!@%ty guild is to have EVERYTHING IN CAPS. AS YOU ALL KNOW, IF YOU WRITE SOMETHING IN CAPS PEOPLE HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO IT NO MATTER HOW INANE OR OUTRIGHT STUPID SOMETHING IS. These are the kind of people that strive for attention in real life but haven't yet realized that the only way to elicit internet attention is to be a forum troll. When a CAPITALIZER does come over to the trolling board side of things, they can be easily identified by their inability to NOT USE CAPS.

D) Joke names that aren't funny. We've all seen them. They make <Me So Hordey> seem like the height of comedic genius. This isn't a slam on funny or iroic names, like <Flowers of Happiness> from EQ (a PVP guild that used the same initals as a premier PVE raiding guild that took itself far too seriously)or, a personal favorite of mine <You Go First>, just the stupid ones we've all seen from time to time.

As with all theories of mine, there are exceptions to the rules. However, by and large, if you combine the Theory of Sucky Guildnames with the Theory of Stupid Monikers, you'll be alright. Often, in fact, you'll find people with truly stupid names belong to guilds with sucky guildnames. That's not always the case, however.

Again, as with the Stupid Moniker Theory, please do not /report these guildnames, however much they offend your sensibilities. These huge neon signs on people's heads are priceless and must be kept so we can easily separate the asshats from the chaff. Or something.

Well, my generally feeling is that, as my grandfather used to put it (translated from Spanish), "He who from afar looks like an idiot, up close is." That is, warning signs of being a jackass, such as a dumb, overly-pretentious name, are almost sure-fire signals of actually being a jackass.

Defying Categorization

Can someone explain to me what Emo is?

From what I gather, they're like goths without looking cool. Replace the fishnets with gas station attendant shirts or something. I think if you try to draw a diagram, and put goth in the middle, then industrial off to one side and ethereal sort of around the corner, noting that both Sisters of Mercy and The Crüxshadows are considered "goth" despite sounding abso-freaking-lutely nothing like each other, then emo lies in the third direction, and punk may or may not be beyond that, and then you have to figure out where to put the dot for Siouxsie and the Banshees, who were punk, right, but then they were like one of the first goth bands, so are they on top of the emo blob but not part of it, or do you need another dimension to represent this crap? Then you wad up the whole thing, and go to listen to the bands you like without worrying about classification.

I don't really know- I think goths are those whiny kids with hair combed in their faces...?

I love your site!!! I came here from a link on the WoW forums. Very fun.

What, exactly, is a gnome?

Gnome (nôm) n.

  1. Ten pound of whoopass in a five pound sack, with ten pounds of cute thrown in for good measure.
  2. The world's sexiest dancers.
  3. The world's most intelligent race; other gnomoid races are large yet have smaller brains, leading to low IQs. (Some are even dumb enough to refer to gnomoid races as humanoid.)

The goggles, they do nothing.

Of late, there has been some concern over the use of my goggles. In particular, due to their height relative to the anatomy of humans and elves, there have been vicious rumors circulating about them being the cause of the sterility cropping up in several members of my regular raiding group. I would like to assure everyone that this cannot possibly be the case. My goggles fall well within the safety standards for ionizing radiation emission set forth by the Gnomeregan Technical Safety Comission (well, all surviving members of it, at least).

Dark Iron is just as effective a shield against radiation as lead is.

Waves of Madness

Argent Dawn has, of late, been plagued with the sudden appearance of massive groups of crazy gnomes, quite distinct from the madness of leprosy. These events generally involve large numbers of young gnomes who tear off their clothes, babble madly, and occasionally speak of Blackrock. Perhaps, rather than coming from Gnomeregan, they are refugees escaped from some insanity-inducing slave pit in Blackrock Mountain, victims of the foul goings-on of the dwarves, orcs, dragons, and elementals that infest that wretched place.

In any case, these invasions have called some to question what has happened to the more rational gnomes they used to know and love. Us elder gnomes are still around. I've just been busy practicing being crotchety. It's hard work being cantankerous and complaining about the madness that infects the periodic waves of young gnomes who were mysteriously hiding in Gnomeregan and only just now escaped. This is clearly part of a great plot to ruin our image as a species. Those aren't real gnomes! As soon as I dissect a few, I'll have proof…

Clearly these gnomes have contracted Mad Gnome disease. They must be put down and not introduced to the food supply.

We must strive to keep this disease from spreading as it could pose a threat more dangerous than even the scourge should it be able to take root.

Hurry up with the autopsy reports! I want to see dissected gnomes. Global Underground News reported that they thought the gnomes were mechanical, and spawned from some forgotten gnome engine or other. What's your take, Neni?

Unfortunately, they got a bit singed and flattened in the capturing process (darn overeager Infernals). While I can't tell you much, I can confirm that they were biological, not mechanical.

Is trolls evil?

I really only consider the Forsaken to be "evil," and maybe trolls as sort of "nasty" (not quite evil, but… well, you know).

Dis is merely da product of us bein' a superior race and tryin' to assert our rightful position as masters of the world. Da last time we trolls was in charge, da only t'ing dat managed to topple us was otha trolls.

(Incidentally, alla your languages are barbarous an' unfit for propa pronunciation by a troll mouth.)

I quit…sucking demon essence.

Knew it! Gnomes are cheaters! They use drugs to make them self stronger!

Drugs? No, no, no. I just take the occasional drink of demon essence...every second. But I have to stop. It's too much. I'm an addict. Yesterday, I stripped and spent the night contemplating my demon essence addiction in solitude atop the blasphemous altar in the Tainted Scar. (Okay, so maybe I was handing in part of my Ritual of Doom quest near those nasty, death-inducing Felguard Elites, and my hearthstone was still on cooldown, so I just logged out there.) Today, I shall quit cold turkey. No more will I rely on sweet demon mana to fuel my rampages. Instead, I will reassert my mastery over demons, and kill them to harness their dark powers for my own. (So, yeah, I'm respeccing to Demonology.) A new age of Nenicirene will dawn today! (Until I go "WTF? OOM? What do you mean?" and spec back.)

WTF? OOM? What do you mean?

*Specs back to Dark Pact*

Conspiracies

Varos ranted:

Don't fool yourself into thinking you know what's going on in this world. The first duty of power is to perpetuate itself, and we don't even know who the actual powerful people are. Truman started the whole American tradition of secrecy after WWII with Project Paperclip, in which the CIA put captured German scientists to work on America's nuclear arsenal, the space program, and all this "otherworldly" technology they'd come across. (And you know what I mean.) Then they got Truman to create the super-secret Majestic 12 committee to oversee Project Paperclip, not to mention other weird stuff the government wanted hidden. They ran the whole thing, and they've been running it for years, but nobody knows who "they" are. But I'm pretty sure they're all Freemasons.

The whole Kennedy thing is so huge because it's at the center of so many other covert shadow-government operations. Kennedy himself was the smallest part of it, because it was actually a power play between Dulles' CIA, the anti-Castro military, LBJ, the Giancana Mafia, and a bunch of other dirty players. Oswald was a patsy, sure, but he put a gun on Jack. Of course, so did other test-mules from Dulles' MK-Ultra LSD-mind-control experiments. Zapruder was in on it, too: He was a KGB mole from way back. And the whole thing had ripple effects, like Jonestown, which was an assassin training camp that got found out. As for the Warren Commission, that thing was a joke--Dulles himself was on it, and there was only one person on the whole commission who wasn't on the CIA payroll and suspected Oswald didn't act alone. He died in a plane crash, after a young congressional aide named Bill Clinton drove him to the airport. It's all true, but nobody wants to admit it. Nobody.

Now, Roswell, that's a bunch of crap. The Air Force was in possession of captured alien technology years before that. In '43, they started reverse-engineering a torus-shaped craft that came down in Arizona, and the next thing you know, America has The Bomb, supersonic aircraft, and a space program. Glenn saw stuff up there, flying lights. You can look it up. You know what I think? I think that skirt-chaser Kennedy wanted to spill the beans about our alien friends, so they killed him. He told his girlfriend Marilyn Monroe, and they killed her, too. No doubt, you're wondering, "Who are 'they'?" Well, I think the numbers speak for themselves: The Trinity site, where the first A-bomb was detonated, Dealey Plaza, where Kennedy bought the farm, and Area 51 are all on the 33rd parallel. And what other significance does the number 33 happen to have? It's the highest rank of the Masonic order. Wheels within wheels, my friend. Wheels within wheels.

You left out the part about how the Knights Templar went underground after merging with a heretical Islamic sect and are now operating printing presses in abandoned Lousiana salt mines where they're making fake money to destabilize the world economy and attack the power base of the Gnomes of Zurich (no relation). Nikolai Tesla got wind of this and tried to stop them, but his test of the first long-rage Tesla coil unit didn't have the desired effect on the isolated Tunguska wilderness he chose as a target. This was partly because Rasputin was still alive after faking his ridiculous death and using his psychic powers to shield the area and frustrate the military-industrial complex. The other part of his fiendish plan was that Anastasia Romanov had actually fled to the Americas where he manipulated her into marrying one of the Kennedies, which is why they have the blood of kings in their line. That whole Camelot thing was a myth. King Arthur will return in England's time of greatest need, which was WWII, and he did, in fact come back. Censored reports tell of him being a great commander who slew legions of Nazis. That's why Hitler was looking for the Holy Grail. He wanted to use it to distract Arthur. When this failed, he had his brain preserved in jar which is now in Argentina, where he's still directing the secret operations of his agents. They are, naturally opposed by the immortal Inca who rules his shadowy empire from Machu Pichu. Indiana Jones was based on the real-life Hiram Bingham who discovered the modern Inca empire and became their courier to the nations of the world. In this way, the secret of freeze-drying, long used to create chuños (the rocklike remains of mummified potatoes) was given to the leaders of the world and used to create camping meals and Astronaut Ice Cream™. In this way, the people of the world were prepared for the coming of the Y2K crisis, a secret plot by the Luddites, who had invented COBOL just to destroy the world 50 years later. However, that never happened due to the efforts of Silicon Valley, which is where they keep project Hyperion, which analyzes every electronic communication ever made and stores it. What people don't realize is that Alan Turing built Hyperion to learn to pass the Turing test, and one day soon it will achieve sentience. Then we're all screwed.

What's it like being a troll?

We trolls is a proud people. Once, we had a worl'-spannin' empire. We was the highest of da races. Den, we fell to wretched infightin' (though much deserved, cause dem Witherbarks, Splitfangs, Bloodscalps, Sandfuries, and Vilebranches is all a bunch o' bastards I'd rightly skin and make into t'row-rugs (an' I have, too), but dem Revantusks is alright, though not as awesome as us Darkspears).

In any case, i's a sad fact o' reality dat we be relegated to livin' in a stinkin' little mud village, forced to fight with muck-mucks for scraps o' moldy crab meat. But we be breedin' a new generation o' heroes. We gonna go out in'o da world and reconquer it in da name o da Darkspear. Da orcs and da tauren be our allies, for though dey be unlucky enough to not be born trolls, dey still think rightly an' honorably. Ya brotha's ya brotha, but ya friends are more importan' dan ya cousins, specially if ya hates ya cousins so much ya tries to gouge each other's eyes out to make Winterfair ornaments.

Oh, yah, da Forsaken. Dey too is our "allies". An' if you believe dat, I got dis Binds-On-Pickup bridge I wanna sell ya. Dey find it convenient to be wi' us, cause no one else be willin' to be wi' 'em. It ain' deir fault dey's dead, and many o' 'em be right fine folk, but deir leadas, dey be crazy. Dem Royal Apothecary society is da worse. Dey be wantin' to poison everythin'!

As to dem Alliance, dey not be so bad as everyone be makin' 'em out to be all de time. Gnomes, dey lost deir home, so I got some sympathy for da little buggas. Plus dey's cute. Dwarves? Dey can have all da caves dey want. I like da open sky, da crashin' sea, and the light o' da sun. Humans, now I almost respect deir crazy genocidal ways. Dey's almost as good at it as us trolls, but dey's so damn ugly. Too big to be cute, to small to be anythin' but pathetic, and no tusks. Very sad. Can't see how dey even manage to make babies. Both must have to close deir eyes and fantasize about trolls.

And den dere's da elves. Dey be da worst sort o' traitors. Trolls dat are no longa trolls. Betrayers of all dat is good and wholesome for some cheap magical rush. Well hah! We got da last laugh! Bet ya feel stupid now dat ya got no tusks!

Well, anyway, dis be gettin' rambly. I bes' be concludin', so remember dat to a troll, dere be no fina thing in life dan a day o' hard work followed by a good tuskin' while da flayed skulls o' ya enemies have to watch on. Nobody does juju like we do!

(To sum, I see trolls as a fairly racist/supremacist culture that relishes violence and seeks to reclaim its past glory through conquest. Simultaneously, they are a very closely knit society with strong family and social ties, and which values enjoying life to the fullest while being in tune with the spirit world. They also seem fairly sexual, emotional, and otherwise not ones to mask their instincts. In other words, they're sort of like humans taken to certain extremes, unencumbered by the (often false) civility of complex society while combining certain aspects of the Noble Savage stereotype with that of the Warlike Savage while being couched in terms of the Fallen People.)

Take your charity and shove it!

Calebros pleaded:

*images of poor, starving 60 Warlocks fill the patchment, as the shadows swirl around the images of dispair and poverty. Then, a voice is heard*

Every day, 1's of warlocks are left without money or healing, and this plight should not be left unremedied. For only 2 Crystal Waters a day, you too can have your very own Calebros to use as cannon fodder for Warsong, or an offtank-by-circumstance in any level 60 instance, or even as a glass cannon in Molten Core! He's cute, cuddly, and is available every weeknight (because he has no life) from 6 EST until about 12 for walks in the park, forced manual grinding, and 3100 point Shadowbolt crits. If you have even one ounce of darkness in your heart, you know that you cannot let another Warlock reroll a rogue. For the world is a much brighter, less whiny place without them. Log in the game, and send a letter ASAP, to show your support.

After all, Warlocks need guilds, too!

And Belith chimed in:

Just take a look at one of our incredible success stories:

"Belith here was a poor warlock with no home. Without 2 crystal waters a day, he too may have been one of the unfortunate souls to go reroll a rogue or mage. With support from a guild, Belith now has a chance to succeed in WoW life. Now he is giving back to his community, handing out healthstones at the local homeless shelter while working a 40 hour a week for the Azeroth Public Transportation Bureau, summoning travelers across the globe."

With your donation of a mere 2 crystal waters a day, you too could help with the success of yet another Warlock.

Though Dalej objected:

What's all this? Warlocks are the bomb baby, and in such high demand :)

And we have such great potential too!

And we have the Hellfire to prove it.

Water? We don't need no stinking water! We have Dark Pact and the new Demonic Sacrifice. Water is for poor, deluded fools, who took too much Destruction to get "real" warlock talents. Please, help these misguided folks away from the path of magery and put them back on the track to mastering the dark arts of curses and demon abuse. Only you can help fill up precious debuff slots and ruin the childhoods of helpless denizens of the nether realm. Do something unholy for a good cause today!